What Is Surrendering?

Oh, That Time I Sat On My Bed & Cried?


Yeah, that was an epic mid-morning not too long ago. Before this very important, very defining moment, I thought I understood what it meant to surrender. Honestly, I thought I already had surrendered, months ago. And sure, parts of me had. I'd dropped a few pesky, damaging behaviors. I felt lighter and fresh. Little did I know that I'd yet to truly break free, to truly surrender.

It began very simply, just an ordinary day. I was pilfering around my apartment, tidying a bit before heading to work, when a profound sense of sadness overwhelmed me. To be candid, this was after my book was published, in mid-September. I felt dizzy with remorse and guilt, yet had no idea why. My body turned clammy, my heart rate increased, and my ears began to ring.

What in the actual hell was happening?

I took a few deep breaths and decided the wisest move would be to slow down and unravel this emotional landslide. There was most certainly an explanation, but I would need to approach myself in a calm, collected state.

After taking a few deep breaths, I turned on a playlist of meditation music, AKA singing bowls, and closed my eyes. It was then that I started to cry. In a flash, I understood that I needed my Mom's approval for turning my life around. I needed it validated by her. So I took a moment and listened to the universe. I listened for my Mom's approval, and what I received was beyond anything I could have anticipated.

Gone was my sadness, replaced with a tingly feeling of delight. I felt her hopes for me, to enjoy each moment, no matter how small, for they are fleeting. That life is a journey, not so much good and bad acts, and we're all a work in progress. She let me know of her pride, her joy in watching Brod and I bloom, and her excitement for what's to come.

Now, please don't think I'm crazy. Or that I was tripping. But have you ever felt something so hard that it manifests on another level? Obviously, my Mom wasn't physically in the room with me, talking, but her spirit filled my entire space. It lifted and held me, shaking away my fears and doubts.

That was when I surrendered. And I'm so dang thankful. So friggin thankful! And hopeful that maybe I'm still naive, and more of these moments are in store for me. I'm grateful to have finally found the patience to tread easily life's small stepping stones. To appreciate myself and the journey, the beauty of it all.

So, on this day of being thankful, I suppose that would be what I'm most thankful for. Surrendering.

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