Pride & Gratitude & Hope, Oh My!

Trust = Hope

This morning, while watching the sunrise and telling myself happy birthday, I was overcome with a profound sense of gratitude and hope. It made me feel warm and safe and I smiled brightly to myself. You see, only very recently, within the last couple of months, really, have I been able to feel this way about life. And it dawned on me, as the literal dawn was breaking, that I haven't taken time to acknowledge my emotional progress. I've been so taking the next step, I haven't stopped to congratulate myself. And it is extremely important that we show ourselves great support and respect, for I spent far too many years doing the opposite and paid dearly.

It's not that I was constantly operating in a state of negative emotion, but more that I rarely engaged in hope. I was frightened of letting myself down, yet again, so I refrained from being too hopeful. Because of this, I severely limited my capability for gratitude. A friggin mess, right? Right. I was in an emotional rut, stuck, and afraid to call out for help. I'd cried wolf too many times and didn't trust myself.

I had to learn to trust myself before I could find hope. It took time and patience, but slowly, I was able to see that I could, indeed, make safe, wise decisions. As long as I kept the vodka bottle at arm's length, my family close, and my spirits lifted, I could be trusted to choose with my best interests in mind and at heart. It was an all-around foreign experience, by all accounts, but very welcome.

In my addiction, while in the moment, I was incapable of seeing just how much I was handing over to my alcoholism. I couldn't understand it at the time, I wasn't able to see that I was willingly offering my life to a substance. A bottle of poison. My soul knew, and tried to warn me, but I swiftly dowsed that voice with an ocean of voodkila. A silent, hidden part of me ached to be numb, and I enabled this deviance of my character, I fed it because it was easier than slaying it. I did not make good choices, my friends. At all. So if you're feeling foolish because you made some shoddy decisions, perk up. You shan't be so hard on yourself, it does more harm than good, honestly.

Once I was able to grasp this concept and forgive myself for my past transgressions, I was able to start trusting myself again. I was able to give myself a push to be an adult, to function productively in society without the aid of my secret sauce. Which wasn't secret at all, Charlie, but it's cute you think it was.

As my pile of wise decisions grew, I felt the tingles of pride, and it was extraordinarily gratifying. This feeling was a long time coming, and I was so thankful to give it a proper greeting! It reinforced and validated that I did love myself, I had forgiven myself, and I was ready to build a better life. Phew, I finally did it, guys. Hold up, lemme catch my breath!

But as magical and great as these feelings are, I have not forgotten what it felt like when I was in my cups. I vividly remember my days of sailing the vodka sea, for they were not too long ago. So, if you're sailing, or have recently docked, I'm here for you. These notions can be very overwhelming and seem impossible, but I assure you they are not. I once lived in a vampiric, vodka blanket cave with only a marijuana pipe and a pack of cigarettes, so believe me when I say, you can get out. Maybe it's just that you don't want to right now? 'Cause that's okay and I respect that. Just know that when you're ready, I'm here. And until then, I think you're lovely, dear. Yes, you should shower and eat something. But I still think you're lovely.

Give yourself a hug today. Smile. Do a jig! Have fun, until next time!


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