Finding Freedom By Releasing Shame & Guilt

Embracing Self-Love & Positive Energy

A while back, I posted about shame and the damaging effects it inflicted on my psyche. Now that I have a more appropriate venue, however, I'd like to dive in a bit deeper. Have you made some ugly, poor decisions whilst in active addiction? Did you say, do, or send something you didn't mean, and now regret spills over you daily, like an ice-cold shower? No? 'Cause that's how I lived for what felt like decades. Constantly full of regret, embarrassment, shame, and guilt. For my belligerent, defiant, deviant, manipulative, and drunken behavior. 

Believe me, you haven't done or said anything any worse than the stunts I've pulled. We're human, we were (and maybe some of us still are) under the influence of a severe mind-altering substance, and acted recklessly and impulsively. Am I super proud of my antics? No, not at all. But will I continue to rack myself with shame? No. I shan't.

It's extremely counterproductive and kept me in the bottle for longer than I needed to stay. You see, I had to forgive myself for my terrible behavior before I was able to cease drinking. I had to acknowledge that I am a damaged, fragile man and must be more understanding and forgiving of myself if I am to grow and blossom. But it took me years to grasp this concept. I was too caught up in self-loathing and self-hate to see anything else. I was constantly laying a trap for myself, however,  I couldn't see it.

It doesn't have to be this way, though. Honestly and truly, it doesn't.  If you're currently in your cups, or just crawled out, and frazzled with how to handle all the damage you've created, try starting by simply saying "I'm sorry" to yourself. You don't have to mean it, but I believe it's important to say and hear. It gives action to a process that you desperately need in your life. For we most certainly need self-love.

I'm not sure why we cling to self-destruction, it's sheer insanity, but we do. Or at least I did. Like, level 5 clinger, for real! I just couldn't quit self-sabotaging! Until I did. Until I said to myself, "Charlie, stop it, this is madness. I'm sorry you did this to yourself. I am."

Now, I didn't say that and boom! I was cured of my drinking. But I began to say this to myself, over and over, so that perhaps it would sink in and plant a seed. Which I believe it did. I believe that, slowly, I was able to view myself with more compassion and wisdom. I shifted my perspective to become more merciful and objective. Once I did this, light began to peek through the darkness that was my life. It felt good, and I wanted to find other ways of achieving this feeling. You know, because I'm an alcoholic, I gotta chase that buzz. This buzz wasn't hurtful, though, and didn't leave me rocked with shame and guilt the following morning. I wanted more, and I knew my soul needed more. Finally, I wasn't feeding it poison.

What did I do, you ask? Well, I started to really recognize moments when I felt grateful. For example, in the mornings, when I would wake up in my own room, not one I was sharing with seven other guys, I would think to myself, "I am grateful for this. Thank you for doing this." Or, I would jot down a few people in my life that had stuck around for all the depravity, and remind myself how thankful I was for them. If I received a nice compliment, or witnessed a kind interaction, I would mark it in my mind as a testament of how beautiful and lovely life can be. Basically, in short, I started seeking the light in life, and closing myself off to the darkness.

I no longer want to engage in negativity, for it reaps nothing but pain and sorrow. Of course, I will still experience tough, draining emotions, however, I will not fuel their power with negative thinking. I shan't, I choose freedom. It is imperative we seek happiness. There will be times when it's difficult to do this, but I really do believe this is how we save our souls, y'all. And I know it's tough, it's so friggin' tough! But let's try together, yeah? Let's put so much positive energy and love into the stratosphere that we blow that negativity outta the water, ya hear!

I forgive you, even if I don't know you or what you did. I forgive you because you're human, you're doing your best, and you're worth it.

Have fun now, ya hear? (Dunno why I'm stuck on that, but I am.)


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